WEDDING NOTES™ – Guest Dilemmas

In spite of all the media attention on weddings big and small, there are still awkward “I’m not sure how to handle this” moments for guests.  There are many variations in the “new” wedding traditions.  They vary by region, by ethnicity and by what TV show the bride is watching.  The “rules” that applied to earlier weddings have been relaxed and while it is good news for the brides and grooms, it can be tougher on guests.   Stop and see us for answers to the simplest conundrum and advice on the most complicated social question. 

The driving force for this is the desire to “be the best possible guest” at the wedding to which you have been invited.  The “rules” used to be simpler and clearer.  Today’s touch individuality, which enables the couple to have the wedding of their dreams – unique as it could be – sometimes leaves guests in a nether world of “what does this mean”? 

1.  How do I know if my “partner” or “significant other” is included in the invitation that is addressed to me? 

If you are close friends with the bride or the couple, expect the invitation to be addressed to you on the outer envelope, and on the inner envelope expect to see your name +guest (or your partner’s name).  If it is a contemporary invitation that has no inner envelope, you’ll need to check the reply card for clues.  If the invitation is addressed to you only and the reply card says, “I will attend or I won’t attend” no guest is included.  If the reply card has room for a guest, it will have a line that says “# attending ________”.   You send back the reply with a #2 on that line and you have just experienced the now famous “plus one” rule.

2. If I am a friend of the bride and guest at her wedding, to whom do I address the check?  I don’t have time to search out the various wedding registries and live by the adage that “when in doubt, send cash”?

You will find “experts” who tell you that you should make the check out to the groom.  You will find “experts” who tell you to make the check out to the couple.  We advise to make the check out to the bride using both her maiden and new name (depending on her decision about new last names).  After all, you are wishing her well in her new life.

3. I received an invitation to the wedding of a college friend.  I can’t attend but want to send a gift, even though the “rules” of etiquette say this is not necessary.  Should I send it before the wedding to the bride (my friend) or after the wedding to the couple?

If the bride is your friend, send the gift with a personal note explaining why you can’t attend but including your very best wishes for a long and happy married life.  If the groom is your friend, send the gift to the couple via the bride’s home address.  Again, explain why you can’t be there in person but assuring each of your good wishes and congratulations.  Depending on your relationship to the groom, a personal call to him may be in order.

4. I am not sure of how much to give if my gift choice is a check.  How do I know what is appropriate? 

If you have the time and know where the bride is registered, go look at the selection list and get a sense of how much is the average gift choice.  Send that in lieu of the actual gift.  If you are planning to attend the wedding and reception the unwritten rule is that you pay for the cost of your dinner plus a gift as well.  Guess at what the dinner will cost per person and toss in something extra.  Please know that this “rule” is ignored by many consultants who tell you to “go with your heart”.  That advice may work for some but others require a more constant guideline.  We think the cost of one dinner plus extra is a good one.

5. The invitation did not specify the degree of formality of this wedding.  What should I wear?

Very formal weddings often specify “black tie required” or “black tie preferred” on the invitation.  Absent this indicator, you are “free” to dress appropriately for this event.  One assumes good taste (minimum nudity or skin showing), and color choice.  Once black and/or while were considered in poor taste.  Now, one only needs to be concerned with one issue – if you wear white – don’t in any way be seen as competing with the bride.  In other words, you can wear white – just don’t look like a bridal competitor.  You can wear black – just so you are not seen as jilted lover morning her loss. 

In these situations and others, call our experienced consultants about the right way to be the perfect guest.

WEDDING NOTES™ – Prevention

With all the planning that must happen, and all the aspects of a wedding to consider, taking pains to keep the process flowing and your planning more joyful, experts advise brides to consider the following.

1.  Make realistic plans at the start.    While you might dream of a celebrity style wedding, be real. “ Design a day that allows you to reach your goal of marriage without undue stress and complications,”  (Wedding Planner Jacqueline Smith). This is accomplished by looking at who you are as a couple, how much time you have to plan and how much money you’ll have for this wedding.  Advise from a certified wedding planner can be a valuable up front investment. 

2. Be organized and disciplined.   With plans in place, stay focused on your objective and you’ll avoid wasting time, energy and resources.  Pay attention to the details.  Frequently it is the little things that get overlooked.  Deal with them early and keep them from becoming major problems later on.

3. Keep a positive outlook.  Brides who are positive and joyful at the prospect of their wedding day are pleasant to be around.  They remember what this is really about and make this the true focus.  All of the rest of the activity is to support this.  Don’t let yourself get sidetracked by meaningless issues.  Be thankful for and happy with the help others offer to give you.  Remember that you are part of a couple.  Share the joy and include the groom on plans and decisions.

4. Make those decisions.  Know that this is a milestone event in your life and it requires a myriad of decisions to be made on a wide range of issues.  Trust your instincts on many of those decisions, confer when necessary, seek advice on the most difficult, decide and move on to the next item on the list.

5. Be flexible.  Remember Murphy?  Uninvited, Murphy and his “law” usually attend most weddings.  Just be prepared to make changes when needed.  Don’t let problems throw you over the edge.  Know that even the best plans have ways of coming unglued so be prepared to deal with them as a creative challenge.  Let yourself be flexible enough to adjust when faced with the obvious.  This is much easier if you have a “plan B” tucked away “just in case”.  

For help with your plans, contact us and talk over your wedding ideas and dreams with one of our experienced consultants.  We are here to help you have the memorable wedding you want.

WEDDING NOTES™ – Ideas from Brides

Here are some ideas from brides and grooms who were searching for ways to make their day more special, more unique, and more fun.

1. Make a special keepsake of your wedding invitation by mailing one to yourself.  Don’t open it.  Keep it in your wedding guest book and save it for future generations to open.

2. Ask all relatives and friends to write a favorite recipe on the back of their response card.  Keep them in a special place throughout your married life.

3. When unsure about what color(s) you want for your wedding, consider using your birthstone colors for the wedding’s color theme.

4. Some grooms buy lottery tickets for their attendants and have them placed in one of the pockets of each groomsman’s tux as one way of saying thanks for being in my wedding party.

5. If you plan to “throw the garter” at the reception, wear two.  Throw one and keep one in your memory box.

6. Buy a new silver dollar with your wedding year on it and add another one to your collection on each wedding anniversary.

7. Pick a charity that you both can support and make a donation to it on your wedding day.  If you are marrying for the second time or really don’t want guests to bring gifts, let it be known that you prefer gifts to this charity in lieu of gifts.  Then every year, make a donation to it on your anniversary.

For more ideas on how to make your wedding more “yours”, give us a call, our trained consultants have lots of ideas.

WEDDING NOTES™ – Disinvited

Before Kim K. few ever used this word. The news said that she had to cut 50 of the previously invited wedding guests due to “space issues”.  How is this possible?  How awkward is this!  But it has happened to brides before, but it doesn’t usually happen this close to the event day. Kim K’s solution seems to have been to cut from her stepfather’s extended family and to review those now famous “plus ones”. 

Making these calls to the guests involved are hard.  Maybe the bride herself could do some, maybe her mother or the groom’s mother could call or even the maid of honor could make the calls on behalf of the bride.  Someone in the wedding party who knows the guest (s) who are about to be “disinvited” should deliver the bad news.

Family members – extended or not – can usually be counted on to be the most understanding and accommodating.  Guests to whom a “plus one” has been extended may find it a bit awkward.  “Plus ones” refer to single guests who have been given the approval to bring a guest of choice unknown to the bride or groom. 

This situation can be complicated when brides enthusiastically order lots of “save the date” cards as soon as they get engaged and set a date but before they have done any serious thinking about venues or budgets.  Save the date cards imply that an invitation will follow as the date gets closer so many guests begin to think of them as “mini invites”.  We recommend that key decisions be made before the cards are sent out and that a preliminary guest list or at least rough estimate of guest counts be set prior to sending out these cards.

We also recommend that the bride send save the date cards only to those persons they know they must have at their wedding and reception and who may have to travel to attend.  They really shouldn’t be used as excited “I got engaged and need to tell the world” cards. 

If you have questions regarding invitations and all they imply, please let us know.  We can help you avoid lots of awkward moments.